Coming to Grips with...

One of my favorite books is "Death by Suburb" by Dave L. Goetz. It is really a fantastic read. I put it right up there with "Surprised by Hope" by N.T. Wright and "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams.

One of the concepts Goetz discusses in DBS is the tendency for 21st century North American suburbanites to define themselves by what they do. In part of that discussion he references middle aged pastors of small churches who finally realize that they will never be the pastor of a big church. When that reality settles in, says Goetz, it can make for a dark couple of years.

I can completely identify with this phenomenon. Though I am a bit younger than middle aged (unless I die at 72, in which case I am right smack dab in the middle of middle aged), I still feel the cold fingers of reality slowly clawing at my soul. I will likely never be the pastor of a big church.

I will not be the next Bill Hybels. I will not be the next Rob Bell, Erwin McManus, or Francis Chan. Odds are I will labor away my days in relative obscurity having never been "the man" at "the church."

Coming to grips with your own mediocrity can be cathartic at times, but mostly it's just annoying.

Before you cast stones at me for my steeple envy, and at this point I will remind you of what both Jesus and Demetri Martin have to say about throwing stones, please hear me out.

You must understand that for a small church pastor there is no promotion possible within the organization. Unless you hire someone to be your superior and then replace them a few years down the road, you have already ascended to the pinnacle of your employment hierarchy. You are already the man...lucky you.

This means that the only way to effectively get a promotion is by publishing a book or growing a very large church. This is reality. This means that if I want to ever make more money, I must grow a bigger church. If I want to preach for more people, I must grow a bigger church. This makes it easy for the have-nots to covet what the haves have, doesn't it? You betcha.

Even though I am starting to realize I will never "make it" or "get there" I still desperately want to...I absolutely covet the big church (at least sometimes).

Now here's the rub...

My church needs more people if we are going to make it as an organization. If we are ever going to fix what is broken, do what needs to be done, we are going to need to have more people. Our leaders have decided that we must aggressively try to get more people. We have to.

This puts me in an interesting position. My church really HAS to get more people in the door...and my dark side really WANTS to.