Male Pattern Baldness

Not all churches can be sexy.

I was sitting in my pastor’s office for a meeting of the minds. I was a part time youth pastor at the church where I grew up, my pastor had just come on board after the untimely demise (figuratively speaking) of his predecessor. We were having a meeting with his son, who was an up and coming pastor within our denomination. A rising star., to be sure.

I am not sure what we were meeting about, I think it was to plan an event, or develop a new strategy, or mission statement, or purpose statement, or value statement. Whatever. The thing I do remember is the advice that the rising star had for the two of us in the room who were something less than star material. This is what he said, “It is important to do things with excellence. Whatever you do for Jesus should be excellent.”

Good advice. Do things well, no, do them excellently. Jesus is our Savior, he deserves the best we have to offer, no short-changing the Son of Man, to do so would not be theologically prudent.

I have come to realize that the star’s advice was a bit off kilter, primarily because what he meant by the word “excellence” was something that we could never achieve, and what we meant by the word “excellence” was a bit second rate in his eyes. You’ve got to understand, our church had no digital projector, no praise and worship band, no drums or guitars. Our auditorium was a bit bland, our lighting was bad, our building a bit musty. Our budget was tight, our congregation timid, and our leaders were tired. Excellence for us meant paying our bills, anything else was a bonus.

Since that meeting I have encountered the idea of excellence in many different ways and in different places. There are churchasaurs out there who are excellent examples of excellence. What they do they do very well, and they will tell you so. They write books promoting the idea of excellence in ministry. They will talk about the importance of excellent visuals, making an excellent first impression, excellently exceeding expectations, excellent atmosphere in our facilities and so on. Excellence is a prized commodity within the context of expanding churchasaurism.

In my mind they are talking about giving our churches a bit of sex appeal. Not in a bad way, but in a utilitarian way. Sex appeal motivates people, it works. Our culture values sex appeal, or more accurately the appearance of sex appeal. We seek it out in our cars, our spouses, and our houses. The later of which is an excellent example of valuing the appearance of sex appeal, especially when you look at current building trends in newer developments across our country. They build these houses that look like brick houses from the front, but on the less visible sides of the house they use vinyl siding because it’s less expensive. It’s not really a brick house, it just looks like one from the right angle. Like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is dating the girl who is either really attractive or really unattractive depending on the lighting. People seem to be motivated by sex appeal. And savvy, culturally relevant churchasaurs know that they can capitalize on this value.

The problem is, not all churches can be sexy. Moreover, some churches shouldn’t even try. Now, some are very sexy that’s for sure, they are the pin up models in the gas station of American Christianity. But many of us more closely resemble the slack-trousered and greasy-handed mechanic who works there. We can try to be sexier, but we are likely genetically predisposed to embarrassing failure in this arena. We just don’t have the raw material to be sexy. Blame your shortcomings on God, if you must, after all he’s the one who gave you the frumpiness genes, the male pattern baldness. Blame him if you want to, shake your fist at heaven in pimply faced defiance if you think it will help you feel better. It might, actually, but it probably won’t make you any sexier.

Or you can try to appear sexier. Buy a toupee or a sports car, join the Hair Club for Men and dress like a twenty something. That’s what many churches do. We try to be a sexy church, we have been told that we should try, God deserves excellence and apparently isn’t all that in to wallflowers. So we get a new hairstyle that distracts the casual observer from our bald spot. We buy worship presentation software, or a drum kit, maybe start showing videos. We try drama, or guitar solos, more flash, more bang, more pizzazz. We start calling our bulletins “programs” and start wearing jeans when we preach.

It’s seems sad to me, to try to be something you’re not. I’m not talking about improvement, I am talking about being convinced that you ought to become something you’re not, because what you are isn’t good enough. It’s fake to me, inauthentic. And here’s the good news, some women like bald men. Some people like small, frumpy churches. If you try to appear sexier than what you are, you will come off as inauthentic, like you’re having some clichéd mid-life crisis. Be what you are.